sigh poem

In the darkness I lay, me, Ignored and ignoring
Not heard not hearing, Used, using, Alone and not alone
Wondering when will it end, Is there life beyond these walls
Existence that has meaning? a life that has life?
Why am I waiting? Sad really. As I lay in darkness

do you ever just want to be alone?

i am a mix of both introvert and extrovert characteristics i need a balance of both to survive. in the past 4 months as much as i try i cant get away. i need time to regroup...assess where i have been ... where i am currently headed and then make sure i am still headed somewhere i want to go. and being who i am.... not anywhere not anytime is there really a complete moment of silence a time to meditate without being asked whatcha doin??... or a time the tv isn't on or you finally think you are alone and again and again he walks in. the barrage of noise and stupid questions comes at me over and over again..like waves crashing on the beach.. just when you think its safe to fully relax someone interferes in that. just when i think....AHHHH the house to myself. in the door someone walks..i am to the point i feel like exploding that i need to be in my home and have peace and quiet uninterrupted time to relax, bathe, lie around in jammies with some hot cocoa, read, sleep, think, can i stress this point? please leave me alone. i am not one to beg......but its like water torture just not as fun.

another day waiting for peace

there are days that you wish it was another day another time. some days like the day your son dies. others it is just so loud and lonely. still others when you just want peace inside and you want to escape to those summer days on the beach when you were 17. not a care in the world, the soft warm breeze in the bright sun, blue skies welcoming you with little wispy clouds. instead you are stuck in this world, wondering what happened to the peace? why you cant seem to ever be alone. (dad offered me refuge while he is away.I may take him up on it over the weekend!) but peace why is it so elusive? Just as i begin to relax( maybe with a good book or studying) he is in my face, (like when you are so tired and you are awakened over and over again then finally you cant sleep at all cause your body is afraid, of being disturbed one more time... ) asking me questions that seem so irrelevant mundane, acting as if he was asking me the meaning of life? maybe i ,so over critical, am just "feeling" its this way? i just want to be left alone to figure out my life i want the peace that was here before him the ease that life took on without annoying interruptions that are my daily life....

focus

When we are running from something isnt that what we are focusing on? when we are looking back at what we dont want or cant have or what has failed us or at what we have failed at before, we are taking a look in the rear view mirror rather than watching where we are headed. focusing on the past trying to move to a better future? not helpful for arriving at the right destination. On the other hand not to glance back at all one would also be without an idea of how far we had come, but to remember to just look back for a second and not dwell there. This idea of not wanting something when looked at thru the eyes of a relationship, we dont want those things we had lived with before, say stupidity or emotionally vacant mate, etc but when we are looking for another mate arent we focusing in on not having that and how much that has hurt us rather than focusing on the traits we do want and changing ourselves and our behaviors??
As life moves forward i want to be able to live my life with passion be happy and really all that requires is focusing on the now this moment and being happy in it. being clear with your intention and living fully now..

It all lands on me

Nobody asked me to handle it all. Yet it all lands on me in default. I dont want to have to be in charge, looking after, and make sure. Its like being one of those thin paper plates at a potluck and tons of wonderful food..and no you dont get one of those handy plate holders. (use to be woven basket like, now usually plastic) so you get soggy and and so heavy you bend. and all the good things end up in a mess on the floor out of order that it isnt tidy, things all mashed together its harder to see each individual item.. I guess the plus to this analogy is that at least i bend instead of break? but the difficult part is in that untidy mess i must make sense of it and separate out the baked beans from the hotdish and desserts from the salads without any help from someone supporting me saying "well, isnt that a bean there? and maybe some noodles there?" its more like "how the hell did you forget there was dessert in that mess?" That isnt supportive or helpful is it!?! i am not sure how to change this dilemma. how to find a happy balance on my plate when there is no one else to pick up the slack. I think it comes in relying on me for everything knowing i can be my lover and my best friend, i can be the listener and the talker, i can be the provider and the receiver. i am all things. there is no magic person that will take care of me or unburden me, all the answers lie within myself. I can be all things to me. I can select portion size and go back for seconds when i am ready to. Bring balance to the overwhelming and ask for help if i need it.

I dont feel comfortable

i dont feel comfortable in my life right now, it feels unsafe, uprooted, different. different isnt necessarily bad. but this different is me closing down. not being able to openly be who i am, having to hide aspects of my very nature and being. Its a tightness, without freedom in the present. I feel like i am put upon that i am suppose to understand without being understood. That what he wants is the old version of me. Oddly enough he didnt know that person either, but that person was more accommodating maybe even went as far as enabling. This person i am doesnt easily go into hiding. Has a sharper tongue not to lash out but to get to a point, lets not waste our days with idle chatter, lets speak deep and meaningful. Life is so short. I feel it must be filled with a certain passion. I feel a death though and maybe its just a growth? That tightness is indescribable. Possibly, not far from being buried alive or put in a small box where one cannot move there arms. Fear instilling, cramped. I dont feel light, weightless, able to fly to be free. Trapped as a harnessed bird..been here before. maybe its all in my mind and not actually how it is??

something is in the air

something in the air, maybe its just as simple as winter on its way?? i feel an unsettledness, a get readiness. maybe its just the wish to fast forward a few weeks? Get clinicals and these insane hours behind me? Christmas is not far away..cold winter days. Maybe that's all it is getting prepared to settle into the winter routine make sure life is cozy and warm that hot cocoa is in the house and snow stuff is bought. that i am prepared for this change of seasons.