focus

When we are running from something isnt that what we are focusing on? when we are looking back at what we dont want or cant have or what has failed us or at what we have failed at before, we are taking a look in the rear view mirror rather than watching where we are headed. focusing on the past trying to move to a better future? not helpful for arriving at the right destination. On the other hand not to glance back at all one would also be without an idea of how far we had come, but to remember to just look back for a second and not dwell there. This idea of not wanting something when looked at thru the eyes of a relationship, we dont want those things we had lived with before, say stupidity or emotionally vacant mate, etc but when we are looking for another mate arent we focusing in on not having that and how much that has hurt us rather than focusing on the traits we do want and changing ourselves and our behaviors??
As life moves forward i want to be able to live my life with passion be happy and really all that requires is focusing on the now this moment and being happy in it. being clear with your intention and living fully now..

It all lands on me

Nobody asked me to handle it all. Yet it all lands on me in default. I dont want to have to be in charge, looking after, and make sure. Its like being one of those thin paper plates at a potluck and tons of wonderful food..and no you dont get one of those handy plate holders. (use to be woven basket like, now usually plastic) so you get soggy and and so heavy you bend. and all the good things end up in a mess on the floor out of order that it isnt tidy, things all mashed together its harder to see each individual item.. I guess the plus to this analogy is that at least i bend instead of break? but the difficult part is in that untidy mess i must make sense of it and separate out the baked beans from the hotdish and desserts from the salads without any help from someone supporting me saying "well, isnt that a bean there? and maybe some noodles there?" its more like "how the hell did you forget there was dessert in that mess?" That isnt supportive or helpful is it!?! i am not sure how to change this dilemma. how to find a happy balance on my plate when there is no one else to pick up the slack. I think it comes in relying on me for everything knowing i can be my lover and my best friend, i can be the listener and the talker, i can be the provider and the receiver. i am all things. there is no magic person that will take care of me or unburden me, all the answers lie within myself. I can be all things to me. I can select portion size and go back for seconds when i am ready to. Bring balance to the overwhelming and ask for help if i need it.

I dont feel comfortable

i dont feel comfortable in my life right now, it feels unsafe, uprooted, different. different isnt necessarily bad. but this different is me closing down. not being able to openly be who i am, having to hide aspects of my very nature and being. Its a tightness, without freedom in the present. I feel like i am put upon that i am suppose to understand without being understood. That what he wants is the old version of me. Oddly enough he didnt know that person either, but that person was more accommodating maybe even went as far as enabling. This person i am doesnt easily go into hiding. Has a sharper tongue not to lash out but to get to a point, lets not waste our days with idle chatter, lets speak deep and meaningful. Life is so short. I feel it must be filled with a certain passion. I feel a death though and maybe its just a growth? That tightness is indescribable. Possibly, not far from being buried alive or put in a small box where one cannot move there arms. Fear instilling, cramped. I dont feel light, weightless, able to fly to be free. Trapped as a harnessed bird..been here before. maybe its all in my mind and not actually how it is??

something is in the air

something in the air, maybe its just as simple as winter on its way?? i feel an unsettledness, a get readiness. maybe its just the wish to fast forward a few weeks? Get clinicals and these insane hours behind me? Christmas is not far away..cold winter days. Maybe that's all it is getting prepared to settle into the winter routine make sure life is cozy and warm that hot cocoa is in the house and snow stuff is bought. that i am prepared for this change of seasons.

efficiency part two

Non efficiency really makes no sense to me...I would love to be one of those laid back people that waited for life to arrive at their doorstep..sat back in their chair and said "that can wait til spring" but i can't. just can't. I go there in my mind and think how relaxing and wonderful it would be to be like that, and yet the other part of my brain thinks why when you could be done in a month would you take 3 months to complete the same thing? why sit for 15 minutes when you could go and get your lunch and have it ready for lunch time? So, you have longer to relax during your lunch break? or if you have ten extra minutes why not fill your gas tank than to sit idle? rather than having to do it an hour or two later? I want to think that life should be savored, taken in slowly and chewed carefully. Yet i handle it quickly to get to the relaxation moment so i can fully relax. so that everything that can be removed from my plate is and only what must remain is left. *sigh*

procrastination of anatomy

why is it that my passion does not draw me in? what i want to complete more than anything?? simple fear i think..( what if when dusty left this world my brain ability went with him?) overwhelming i think( family to run, bills to pay, house to keep in order, school and studying) and yet to win this game one must use all their intelligence and focus. Instead i am lost , unfocused, and disorganized. I think i lack time but i think that is the story i sell myself. Funny part is i am buying it so the time never seems to make itself available. But when i look over the past day, hmm i had hours here and there focus just did not come easy. Now it is late and i should be able to eek out some study time but is my brain too tired? instead here.... i type.... procrastination. Tomorrow kids back in school, and packing for my afternoon work and school, but then i do have study time..if (it falls back to the E word!) I am Efficient! maybe i work better under the fallacy of efficiency? I am full of learning today only it is the learning of other things ( health related) rather than what i should be learning or so i think? In the mean time i procrastinate anatomy!

It's no one's fault...

what happens when life comes between you? Its no ones fault...really.... marriages all seem to have distance in them, but mine has had three years unaccounted for how do you bridge that distance?? those memories without each other, Those thoughts without the other? The sadness that came without the other around. How do you begin to explain that? How would i begin to say how it crushed me to the core when you weren't here to pick up the pieces or hold me together? Days of tears, nights of tears, no sleeping, haunting memories It was only me i had to rely on. What about the illness that came without warning and cut me to the quick that changed how i am in this world? again you haven't seen the illness take its toll, or nights gone sleepless, the pain thats never ending? How will you know me? will you even care to know me?? Theres 1,095 days between us, that you weren't witness to. Who steps up first to bare their soul? to share there stories? can they even really be shared? its a story on paper, that may move you, but not the same effect as living those days with me. Its no one fault..war is cruel.

Energy or efficiency

some of the time i am perpetual motion i have noticed i walk faster than most people with purpose and a destination. Faster is better, time is money. Efficiency is divine. Some of the time i am unable to lift and arm or leg or do one more anything. There is stopping as in i am too tired to do anything, and there is not stopping as in days upon weeks upon months of never really stopping in my head. when that spark of writing genius comes and that energy you feel to get every last word on the page, or when the one you love is coming to town to see you, or the novel that you have been dying to read just arrived and you stay up all night and finish it in one sitting. where does this energy come from? seems to arrive from mental/emotional and make us alert in the physical. how on a daily basis do i find this energy? another day you cant muster enough strength or resolve to lift the pen, cant move your butt from the couch and your eyes start closing as you read. I want to be one who writes on a daily basis and cant seem to sustain the energy. i think for me it is better to assign a weekly page limit a goal that taps into my need for efficiency(i did this with walking/running minute limit of 300 a week.... on the a day i had that spark i might do 150 minutes toward my 300 hundred goal rather than doing it everyday i wanted to get as much done that first day) I think i am utterly afraid of the crash of the no energy day that i have come to depend on efficiency. But at what cost to me and my adrenalin .. maybe i have trained my system this way. Think of the expenditure of energy walking 300 minutes in two days compared to 43 minutes a day over the course of the week? which one sounds relaxing?? I am possibly setting myself up for fatigue. and what of the wonderful thoughts that come in everyday that i may miss by cramming 10 pages in a day or two rather then let them flow on their own?

I am scared to let go of efficiency. the voice in my head saying "oh god what about... and what about.... do you really want to screw around with the way things are, ahh i dont know about this?" must mean pay dirt. I have lived efficient for so long its hard to give up and the world doesnt seem to make sense without it..

Balance.... neither energy or efficiency! I need time for me, time to write, time for family time, for school, for friends and just plain ol' down time, that has no plan... but yet i need the plan the outline of how my day is going to look how i can stay on task with my life mission so the days and months do not fly by unnoticed. no efficiency but things that fuel my passion my life force to give me the energy to make it thru the day to make me return to those things i love..

pieces

Sometimes the pieces lay scattered, like leaves in the fall. Some pile up, some blowing freely into the wind and some stuck to me like that last leaf on the tree refusing to let go well into the icy winter. Sometimes i wonder if i can ever make sense of it all. Every truly be whole. Yet i am the tree am i not? whole with leaves or without, beautiful always?? The leaves... maybe they are just me letting go of the things that no longer serve me, part of the renewal, that beneath the surface new leaves are waiting and even more amazing are the seedlings waiting to grow into there own tree. maybe its not about reclaiming the pieces but realizing i am always whole at whatever state i am in. Maybe then the pieces i give to you here in this blog are just another leaf here and there letting go having served their purpose ??