It all lands on me

Nobody asked me to handle it all. Yet it all lands on me in default. I dont want to have to be in charge, looking after, and make sure. Its like being one of those thin paper plates at a potluck and tons of wonderful food..and no you dont get one of those handy plate holders. (use to be woven basket like, now usually plastic) so you get soggy and and so heavy you bend. and all the good things end up in a mess on the floor out of order that it isnt tidy, things all mashed together its harder to see each individual item.. I guess the plus to this analogy is that at least i bend instead of break? but the difficult part is in that untidy mess i must make sense of it and separate out the baked beans from the hotdish and desserts from the salads without any help from someone supporting me saying "well, isnt that a bean there? and maybe some noodles there?" its more like "how the hell did you forget there was dessert in that mess?" That isnt supportive or helpful is it!?! i am not sure how to change this dilemma. how to find a happy balance on my plate when there is no one else to pick up the slack. I think it comes in relying on me for everything knowing i can be my lover and my best friend, i can be the listener and the talker, i can be the provider and the receiver. i am all things. there is no magic person that will take care of me or unburden me, all the answers lie within myself. I can be all things to me. I can select portion size and go back for seconds when i am ready to. Bring balance to the overwhelming and ask for help if i need it.

I dont feel comfortable

i dont feel comfortable in my life right now, it feels unsafe, uprooted, different. different isnt necessarily bad. but this different is me closing down. not being able to openly be who i am, having to hide aspects of my very nature and being. Its a tightness, without freedom in the present. I feel like i am put upon that i am suppose to understand without being understood. That what he wants is the old version of me. Oddly enough he didnt know that person either, but that person was more accommodating maybe even went as far as enabling. This person i am doesnt easily go into hiding. Has a sharper tongue not to lash out but to get to a point, lets not waste our days with idle chatter, lets speak deep and meaningful. Life is so short. I feel it must be filled with a certain passion. I feel a death though and maybe its just a growth? That tightness is indescribable. Possibly, not far from being buried alive or put in a small box where one cannot move there arms. Fear instilling, cramped. I dont feel light, weightless, able to fly to be free. Trapped as a harnessed bird..been here before. maybe its all in my mind and not actually how it is??

something is in the air

something in the air, maybe its just as simple as winter on its way?? i feel an unsettledness, a get readiness. maybe its just the wish to fast forward a few weeks? Get clinicals and these insane hours behind me? Christmas is not far away..cold winter days. Maybe that's all it is getting prepared to settle into the winter routine make sure life is cozy and warm that hot cocoa is in the house and snow stuff is bought. that i am prepared for this change of seasons.

efficiency part two

Non efficiency really makes no sense to me...I would love to be one of those laid back people that waited for life to arrive at their doorstep..sat back in their chair and said "that can wait til spring" but i can't. just can't. I go there in my mind and think how relaxing and wonderful it would be to be like that, and yet the other part of my brain thinks why when you could be done in a month would you take 3 months to complete the same thing? why sit for 15 minutes when you could go and get your lunch and have it ready for lunch time? So, you have longer to relax during your lunch break? or if you have ten extra minutes why not fill your gas tank than to sit idle? rather than having to do it an hour or two later? I want to think that life should be savored, taken in slowly and chewed carefully. Yet i handle it quickly to get to the relaxation moment so i can fully relax. so that everything that can be removed from my plate is and only what must remain is left. *sigh*